New Life's Resolution
I’ve had some of the best days and nights of my life in 2013. Since December 2012, I have stepped into a new world, made new friends and, for a time, shared something very special with one of them. It’s been a life-changing and inspirational experience that I am grateful for, during which I have known acceptance, hospitality, courtesy, patience and grace and I have memories to cherish for the rest of my life.
New Year’s is a time when people set out to make new resolutions, often in the form of a list (e.g. lose weight, giving up things). But I don’t want to make a new YEAR’s resolution, so much as a new LIFE’s resolution. I know people get told they should love themselves and be proud of themselves/who they are but as I’m the one who spends the most time around me, it’s pretty clear I need to change. It’s been observed (or I’ve been told that) I over-analyse, think too much, been over-apologetic, that I need to build my confidence, and that I don’t give a straight answer. It’s possible some of these stem from my upbringing and living circumstances (and maybe also 3 years at university) and maybe sometimes it’s just me. Myself, I’d say that I’ve been lazy and procrastinate (namely by spending way too much time online). I want to get back into my interests such as watching movies, TV shows and get back into reading and writing.
There are also aspects of my past that have played a part in how I have been as a person over the years and want to change.
There are also aspects of my past that have played a part in how I have been as a person over the years and want to change.
A lot of my friends are probably aware that I had a religious – to be specific, Christian – upbringing and while I don’t have an overall problem with religion, my own personal problem is that I want to follow a particular set of beliefs out of my own choice rather than simply because I was raised on them. But I shouldn’t be entirely ungrateful for my upbringing. Without it, I wouldn’t be interested in the things I’m into and it may well help with my creativity (e.g. storytelling). Some of my “problems” may have stemmed more from studying Christianity when on my own in my more adolescent years and maybe the problem is more with me in how I think and choose to act. In terms of how I interacted with other people, I apologise to those who have been on the receiving end of a misguided, naive youth who tried to share a faith without knowing about other people’s beliefs and backgrounds (not to mention his own). I tried to be “better” (i.e. not being preachy) as I grew older and moved away to university but I reached my lowest point in 2012 and it was then that I realised I wanted to follow this religion out of my own choice but I won’t deny I have had doubt-type thoughts. But it wasn’t just the sense of duty to evangelise, I had also developed fears over certain issues. I remember as a child saying I didn’t want to go to Hell and being told to ask for God’s forgiveness when praying. When I was 14, I was worried I might miss the Rapture for some special purpose (thank-you, “Left Behind”). I was worried about my salvation and re-prayed the “Sinner’s Prayer” more than once. At 17, I was baptised and have since had regret over it.
If I am to continue in this line of belief, I want to see change in how things are being done right now. I want to see a Christianity that lives up to the name it’s named after and will repent of the harm it’s done over the last 2000 years and continues to do today.
Fear and worrying have been common in my life of late. It’s been said/suggested that the way I went about trying to lose weight has affected my thinking and I have been told by friends that I don’t need to lose weight (my goal has been a healthy BMI). It also doesn’t help that, having learned screenwriting at university, I have been making up scenarios in my head based on what I think or worry about. It’s often been a cyclical thing where I worry about something and imagining something bad going to happen, only to find I was worrying for nothing. For over two years, I’ve been aware of having thoughts I don’t want to have and have tried to block out in the past. This may’ve stemmed from when I went to a Christian holiday camp during summer when I was a teenager and first encountered what I have described as a voice in my head (the kind that “speaks” like it’s a thought). When I was at university, I would worry about referencing so I could avoid plagiarism. At work, I’d use hand sanitizer too much. I also don’t want to let my emotions get the better of me, as happened in 2012. Speaking of emotions, I’d like to be able to cry properly again, having not done so in over a decade. I don’t want to bottle my feelings and emotions up. I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety or OCD but maybe it’s worth pursuing further than I’ve already gone. I just want to be able to stop worrying. And to stop putting my foot in my mouth.
Similarly to the fantasising/scenario thing, speculation is one of the things I want to put behind me. For example, a year or two ago, a Church I had been going to for years separated and it was said by someone that the there was a “satanic attack”. Maybe it wasn’t? Fear of the occult is something I want to put behind me. From now on, rather than speculate on something, I only want to think about what I know to be true (OK, that might contradict the whole religion thing or vice versa but, whatever helps).
From now on, I want to be able to live a life that is rooted in love, rather than fear and prejudice. I want to have conversations and learn from other people. I want to learn about other faiths, beliefs, cultures and subcultures. As I mentioned, I’ve been told I over-analyse and think too much. Perhaps talking to people will help and maybe blogging will help so I can get my thoughts out.
But whatever happens, I want to thank my friends for the times we’ve spent together, for putting up with me, for the conversations and for being there for me.
Peace, love and hugs to you all both this year and forever more.
