Film: Pixels (2015)

Adapted from a two-minute short in which video game characters invaded the world through the broken screen of an abandoned television set, the latest offering from Happy Madison adopts a premise not dissimilar to Galaxy Quest (1999) by having aliens mistake 1980s footage of kids playing arcade games as a declaration of war and responding by sending various invasion forces modelled on various arcade games.  An episode of Futurama (2001) was brought up with regards to the premise, the episode in question (Anthology Of Interest Part II) containing a segment (David X. Cohen’s “Raiders Of The Lost Arcade”) that explored the premise of a reality based on video games and saw the Omicrons invade Earth with Space Invaders and Donkey Kong being the US ambassador of planet Nintendo 64.  That segment had more wit than the entirety of this film.  Brought in to defend the Earth are two nerds, including Adam Sandler (who largely seems to be sleepwalking his way through it), aided by their mutual childhood friend, played by Kevin James (better than he has been in some other Madison productions).  James also happens to be the President of the United States but has proved unpopular (yet curiously popular enough to have been elected in the first place).  Unbelievably, James in child form (in an opening flashback sequence – perhaps something of a convention in Sandler features, cf. Happy Gilmore, Grown Ups, That’s My Boy) manages to beat a claw crane in order to win a Chewbacca mask (this pays off later when his older self gets to use a crane).  They are joined by the incarcerated “Fireblaster” (Peter Dinklage), who seemingly beat Sandler’s younger self in a competitive game of Donkey Kong.  For Patrick Jean, having your short film adapted by Hollywood feature film must have seemed like a dream come true – at least until it transpired it was to be made by Happy Madison (like winning a trip to Switzerland only to be told you’ll be staying at Dignitas).  Sandler’s love interest this time is a single mother (Michelle Monaghan essentially being the “MILF” now that perhaps even the producers think the middle aged Sandler shouldn’t go after “hot teacher” as with Billy Madison twenty years earlier) who also happens to be in the military and has a son that Sandler can bond with.  Her husband left her for a “nineteen-year old Pilates teacher” and she is now trying to come up with a “slut-seeking missile”.  No actors involved could possibly have been interested in anything other than a pay cheque and no laughs are to be had (at least one moment which might have been funny in the trailer is Sandler’s “Pacman’s a bad guy?!”), which makes it even less funny than even the one-snort Jack And Jill (2011).   One sequence of merit is the climactic boss battle accompanied by Queen’s “We Will Rock You” but any goodwill earned is soiled when Lady Lisa is reintroduced as a “trophy” for one of the nerds.  Wow.  Go watch the original short instead.  Or Galaxy Quest.  Or Futurama.  Or Wreck-It-Ralph (2012).  Or Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)… 

Film: Terminator Genisys (2015)

Seemingly embarrassed by how things had been handled after Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), the writers open this instalment with a voice-over of the new Kyle Reese (Jai Courtenay) who gives the year of Judgment Day as 1997 (there is still yet to be a depiction as scary as Linda Hamilton’s nightmares in T2), thus negating the postponement that led to Rise Of The Machines (2003) (and in doing so wiping off the pudding the writers of that film made of working around the ages of the Connors) and, consequently, Terminator Salvation (2009) (Katherine Brewster – the wife of John Connor – is unlikely to reappear anytime ever).  Those aside, we finally get to a scene only ever talked about rather than portrayed – the moment when the Resistance capture the technology that will send Reese back to 1984.  Prior to doing so though, the machines manage to send a T-101 – brought to life courtesy of a CG rendering of ’84 Arnold Schwarzenegger (perhaps there was some rights or age issue with employing stock footage).  This reboot goes the route taken with Star Trek (2009) in employing time travel to change everything we knew before and recasting the leads with some fresh faces (Game Of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke takes home the prize for best cosplay).  It also uses a similar technique seen in X-Men: First Class (2011) of recreating an opening scene in a way that might usually be hard to notice – in this case, the original Terminator’s encounter with some punks (at this point, the CG loses credibility when “young Arnie” speaks).  It is also here that the film uses its “one F-bomb” quota to retain a PG-13 (the “Fuck you, asshole!” catchphrase) because money.  The Terminator is now a blockbuster franchise that the whole family can enjoy because money and you can’t make mainstream films for adults anymore (except maybe Fifty Shades Of Grey).  Thankfully, the disappointing CG doesn’t last very long (much like “Arnold’s” better cameo in Salvation) as proper Arnie (to some extent taking the Leonard Nimoy role in the Star Trek reboot) interrupts the first film, backed by the Terminator jingle (which threatens to play every time he walks through a door).  To the filmmakers’ credit, the 1984 segment is designed with the original films various shades of dark blue (the early future sequence also brings back the purple lasers and with a hint of synth in the music).  Perhaps in future films, they’ll learn how from the independent first two films’ limitations.  Midway, our heroes jump forward to 2017 for the new, new Judgment Day, courtesy of an app spelt “Genisys” for no reason.  Also appearing is the latest incarnation of John Connor, as played by Jason Clarke, swapping one rebooted post-apocalyptic world ruled by apes for one ruled my machines.  JK Simmons bumbles alongside as a cop with a conspiracy theory and then disappears for the rest of the film.  Much in the same way that Star Trek (2009) and its follow-up …Into Darkness (2013) changed everything but had something of the spirit of the ‘80s film, there is fun to be had here – the series had resorted to parody in Rise Of The Machines – and at last we can perhaps not have to witness any more attempts to assassinate John Connor.  And, as with Thor: The Dark World (2013), director Alan Taylor gets to work with a largely thankless role for a former Doctor Who (in this case, the curiously credited “Matthew Smith”).

Film: Man Up (2014)

Director: Ben Palmer
Writer: Tess Morris

Lake Bell is 34-year-old single Nancy who meets the nice 24-year-old Jessica (Ophelia Lovibond, still waiting to be cast as Bond girl purely on the basis of her name) on a train and after being gifted with her book Six Billion People And You, mistakenly meets Jack (Simon Pegg, who is also an executive producer) who is under the impression is that she is his blind date and Nancy goes along with it.  Pegg also cracks a joke about train delay due to someone jumping onto the tracks, at which point anyone with a claim to decency would quite rightly have walked out and asked for a refund.  The film is directed by Ben Palmer of the television sitcom The Inbetweeners (2008-2010) and its televisual 2011 theatrical feature and it is shot in its entirety in a white hazy focus that is as soft as the comedy.  The moment in which Skyfall's Rory Kinnear is semi-nude in a public ladies' toilet wrapping a scarf around the necks of himself and Bell and pulling her close for reluctant kiss is when the sound should have cut out and as that film's theme music kicks in, Adele tells us "This is the end.  Hold your breath and count to ten..."  Kinnear had more dignity as the prime minister having offscreen sex with a pig in Black Mirror (2010).  There is one laugh when, having met Jack's soon-to-be ex-wife and got confirmation that she had had an affair, Nancy ups the pretense that she is Jack's new girlfriend by being extra affectionate and Simon Pegg reminds us that he has a face for comedy (he can be a good dramatic actor too).  Destined for the cheap section of the DVD shelves in Sainsbury's.

Film: Moomins On The Riviera (2014)

In a contemporary mainstream cinema dominated by the CG produce of Pixar, Dreamworks and the next "classic" from Disney as well as to a less extent, Blue Sky, here is an eighty-minute U-rated hand-drawn cartoon (remember when Disney did those?) from Finland and France which has "no material likely to offend or harm" according to the BBFC (except for brief vague mild shark threat) and is witty (Snorkmaiden is worried about going to a swimming pool as she does not own a bikini), charming and slightly odd.  Originated in Tove Jansson's comic strips, the Moomins have appeared in various forms of animation - perhaps mostly notably in puppetry and anime (the creepy Groke only gets a passing reference in this feature) and the latter's style is somewhat similar here.  After rescuing Mymble and Little My (still a little shit) from pirates, the naive family (for them, the pirates' treasure is a chest containing seeds for the earth rather than the chest containing gold) set off for the Riviera and mistakenly end up staying in a Grand hotel.  Little of dramatic consequence occurs and there's next to no character arcs, with the exception of a rich bohemian artist and elephant sculptor whom Moominpappa befriends.  Despite the seemingly conservative, almost nuclear family set up (Pappa wears a top hat and Mamma always wears an apron), there is an interesting, if curious and not entirely discernible, Queer theme going - the Moomins meet a dog whose secret is that he "only likes cats" and Moominmamma persuades another male dog to pose as cat and has purple stripes painted on him.  After being in the sea, his stripes wash off and the misled canine says he looks good without stripes (I'm not entirely sure he finds out the complete truth).  It is sure to be enjoyed by students who are members of a university animation society and go to animation festivals and parents, if you're near both a multiplex and an independent cinema that are showing it, take your kids to the latter.

Film: Mad Max - Fury Road (2015)

A franchise reboot (or extension) that follows 30 years on from a series of post-apocalyptic films that started with an ill-behaved, nasty little revenge movie (but with some room for emotional investment) with a climax that explained how Max became Mad before we got two self-contained Hollywood-ised action adventures (the PG-13-rated Beyond The Thunderdome recalling Indiana Jones's Temple Of Doom and coming out the most family-friendly, despite a cheeky F-bomb) in which Max seemed the most sane whereas humanity had descended into chaos.  Here, it's slightly less well-behaved than Beyond The Thunderdome and we're back in R-rated territory and, even if adolescent in tone, it's more in line with The Road Warrior and is also the first installment since the original to bring up the subject of Max's state of mind (thanks to voices in his head and quickly-cut flashbacks).  Essentially a 90-minute film stretched out to two hours, (perhaps in part owing to some interminable chasing), it exchanges the minimal locations of the previous sequels for the open road as Max (Tom Hardy) teams up with "Imperiotor Furiosa" (Charlize Theron channeling Sigourney Weaver as Ripley) to protect a group of "babes" (including a surprisingly quite good Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) in an exodus to the promised land.   There is almost nothing for any newcomers unfamiliar with the other three films to have missed and, as entertainment, it might just scrape by as a night-in for teenage boys.

Film: Unfriended (2014)

Despite not being released at Halloween, here we have what might be the next franchise to fill in the gap left by Paranormal Activity and Saw, which is perhaps appropriate given that the story kind-of has a bit of both.  Less of a "found footage" horror but more a "live feed" teen slasher (and with the original title Cybernatural it could usher in a new subgenre), the cinematic experience resembling that of a big screen projection of someone's Mac - perhaps a theatrical live performance  - with our protagonist being the only occupier of the stage while all her co-stars Skype in their performances - might be a nifty idea.

Opening with what may or may not be an homage to The Exorcist (1973) - our protagonist "Blaire" mimics a demonic voice and has a crucifix on her wall - and soon developing into what comes across as the most inventive Saw sequel in years in which someone operating under the username Billie227 (recalling Jigsaw's puppet, Billy) informs our set of young people (with their own guilty secrets) that they want to play a game and - for at least some of it - leaves it to the characters to form their own destiny.  As well as possible supernatural occurrences, household appliances get put to particularly nasty usage.  Jigsaw operating from beyond the grave via Skype would be a fun idea but in this instance, the apparent troll may or may not be the ghost of Laura Barns, whose suicide the year before was caught on camera after a prior video uploaded to YouTube made her an object of public degradation.  What one can do on a computer screen gets fairly maxed out - Skype, Facebook, Spotify, YouTube and Instagram.  Tumblr and Twitter are absent and YouTube seems an odd place to display an apparent sex tape (perhaps any popular adult site would have garnered a more restrictive rating).  The most questionable moment is when a black-and-white YouTube video of Laura Barns holding up cards to the camera evokes a real life case.  The film stays on the computer screen for almost the entire film and, barring the odd ominous hum to let the audience know when its getting suspenseful, any music used is diegetic.  Expect quite a few songs to have "Unfriended sent me here"-type comments on their YouTube page.

Most of the characters aren't particularly emotionally investing but the pulse-raising suspense will be good for the heart in the safe space of a cinema.  Alternatively, it might be suitable to watch on full-screen on a home computer in the dark.  By yourself.

Film: Two By Two (2014)

A take on the story of Noah's Ark that seems less taken from the biblical text than picture book paraphrases of said text.  It takes an Ice Age-esque premise of throwing cartoon animals into an apocalyptic scenario with some slapstick along the way as well as some modernizing humour not dissimilar from the sort seen in The Flintstones and perhaps more appropriately in Veggie Tales - there are no Ninevites slapping each other with fish but the ark does employ a lion as it's captain (humans are mentioned but remain offscreen) and a monkey as a butler (one of the highlights).  It's no more offensive than the already inoffensive interpretation seen in Noah (2014) and can serve as a diversion for kiddywinks while preparing Sunday dinner.  They might well be amused or weirded out by the surreal sight of an unconscious lion being strung up and used as a puppet as well as a slug-like monster with a big gaping mouth who at first appears to be a talking hill.