Film: The Bad Education Movie (2015)

Spoilers ahead.

A few years ago, comedian Jack Whitehall had an idea for a sitcom about a schoolteacher who was "a bigger kid than those he teachers" (IMDB).  Before sitting down to write it, he had a bowel movement and suffered a horrendous case of diarrhea.  Before flushing the lavatory, he gazed into the shit-spattered abyss and found that despite all the undeniable crap, there were still traces of sweetcorn and he had what passed for an idea.  Why work hard when you can sketch out whatever and include the odd, passable gag when you happened to think of one by accident?  Rather than write it, he would simply use his toilet paper to gather some samples.  Due to the physical impracticality of using a stapler to join the corner of each sheet, he had to resort to a few wanking sessions in order to provide the glue.  When the manuscript was dry, he slipped it into a manuscript and posted it to E4, the channel that broadcast The Inbetweeners (2008-2010), a sitcom that proved popular with young people.  E4 decided that this submission - entitled Bad Education - was beneath them and the reader chucked it down the rubbish chute and it found itself drifting down a sewer.  Sometime later it passed a door built into the tiled walls of the dank underbelly.  The door was marked BBC3 (a channel which, yes gave us Doctor Who Confidential, Torchwood and reruns of Family Guy, but also puked up the satanic Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents).  A security camera fitted to the ceiling spied the debris and the door opened.   Someone emerged from the darkness within and grabbed it before it could sail on forever.  BBC3 loved it and the series grew up to become - according to Cineworld's synopsis - "one of the BBC's most cherished sitcoms".

Apparently the series proved popular enough to garner a feature-length motion picture spin-off  (Helloooo No. 8 in the UK Box Office Top 10).  Well some of it would be passingly amusing and not intolerable company, even if might never be laugh-out-loud funny (something which Mrs. Brown's Boys could achieve at least once) so perhaps the same could have been said of the film.  And could it?

The film opens in Amsterdam with some Hasidic Jews visiting the Anne Frank house.  The camera dollies past a queue of these quiet visitors until we come to the back where some British pupils are being disruptive.  Yes, the ever so unloveable Alfie Whickers (Whitehall) - who is also inexplicably romantically linked to the pretty-but-dull (Sarah Solemani) - has taken his charges on a field trip to the house where a young girl was hiding from the Nazis with her family.  Whickers decides to jump queue by pretending that the disabilities of a chair-bound student aren't restricted to his leg.  Afterwards, he is drugged as a prank and hallucinates his Chinese pupil as a panda.  He then mistakes an Anne Frank dummy for the real deal and abducts it, escaping on a bicycle.  During this, the dummy is wrapped in a white towel while Alfie is dressed in a red hoody.  Yeah, you can tell where its going before John Williams is invoked.

A year later, Whickers takes the class on another trip, this time to Cornwall.  This time, they are joined by the overprotective Trunchball-like mother of one of his students.  She dons a pair of what are essentially Google glasses so she can record everything that goes on (the one gag which passes for a joke is where a student tells it to search for "Two Girls, One Cup").  The class stay in the "Baits Hotel" and witness a Summer Solstice procession straight out of The Wicker Man (1973) (the filmmakers even go to the trouble of recreating a shot of two masked participants poking their heads out of a window).  Are the majority of the target audience really likely to get these references?  They might get the later references to Braveheart ("They can take our lives but they'll never take our..." "Pasties!") and 300 ("This.  Is.  Cornwall!") when a parodic battle is about to take place (Zack Snyder's use of slow motion is also given a nod).  Someone makes a jokey comparison between the procession and pantomime - presumably Whitehall thinks nothing of pantomime when tucking into his Christmas dinner or chocolate Easter egg.

In a pub, they fall in with members of the Cornwall Liberation Army and they mistake Whickers for a member after seeing his amateur tattoo "CLA...", which was meant to read "CLASS K FOREVER" before he fainted.  So at least, Whitehall understands the concept of "set-up" and "pay-off".  One of the members persuades Whickers to smuggle in what he thinks are drugs into a party for toffs (where Alfie is dared into "teabagging a swan" - the least funny gag involving a large bird this year since Kevin James fought a peacock in Paul Blart Mall Cop 2) but it turns out to be a bomb.  It takes some gall to depict toffs as victims of extremists whilst the country is under Tory occupation but this set piece is bookended by passing seemingly liberal quotes as "...the rich get richer..." (just like Whitehall will from the profits made from this abortion) and "Austerity is bullshit".  Alfie is later mistaken for a leader of the group and this is captured on the News (which brings to mind the infinitely superior Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa).

There is no excuse in all of conceivable reality for how this film exists in the state that it does.  With no laughs and no Michelle Gomez, The Bad Education Movie is not just a bad film, it is a call-to-arms.  Critics and reviewers should feel compelled to implore their audience no to spend one penny on this furball of British "comedy" (this is the same country that gave us The Ladykillers and Monty Python).  If anyone was curious about wanting to watch this in good conscience, the most ethical solution might be to find a cinema where a season pass is available.  Then it might motivate aspiring filmmakers to get their hands on what they can find and afford to produce something worthy of the faintest praise, free and independent of the industry responsible for this film's existence.  How dare this get past the script read-through without someone with a tenth of a brain cell raising an objection?  How dare the actors say yes to the project in exchange for more money)?  How dare there be more carbon emissions from the vehicular transport of actors and equipment to the various locations?  Really, Britain?  This is what it has come to?

Film: Terminator Genisys (2015)

Seemingly embarrassed by how things had been handled after Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), the writers open this instalment with a voice-over of the new Kyle Reese (Jai Courtenay) who gives the year of Judgment Day as 1997 (there is still yet to be a depiction as scary as Linda Hamilton’s nightmares in T2), thus negating the postponement that led to Rise Of The Machines (2003) (and in doing so wiping off the pudding the writers of that film made of working around the ages of the Connors) and, consequently, Terminator Salvation (2009) (Katherine Brewster – the wife of John Connor – is unlikely to reappear anytime ever).  Those aside, we finally get to a scene only ever talked about rather than portrayed – the moment when the Resistance capture the technology that will send Reese back to 1984.  Prior to doing so though, the machines manage to send a T-101 – brought to life courtesy of a CG rendering of ’84 Arnold Schwarzenegger (perhaps there was some rights or age issue with employing stock footage).  This reboot goes the route taken with Star Trek (2009) in employing time travel to change everything we knew before and recasting the leads with some fresh faces (Game Of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke takes home the prize for best cosplay).  It also uses a similar technique seen in X-Men: First Class (2011) of recreating an opening scene in a way that might usually be hard to notice – in this case, the original Terminator’s encounter with some punks (at this point, the CG loses credibility when “young Arnie” speaks).  It is also here that the film uses its “one F-bomb” quota to retain a PG-13 (the “Fuck you, asshole!” catchphrase) because money.  The Terminator is now a blockbuster franchise that the whole family can enjoy because money and you can’t make mainstream films for adults anymore (except maybe Fifty Shades Of Grey).  Thankfully, the disappointing CG doesn’t last very long (much like “Arnold’s” better cameo in Salvation) as proper Arnie (to some extent taking the Leonard Nimoy role in the Star Trek reboot) interrupts the first film, backed by the Terminator jingle (which threatens to play every time he walks through a door).  To the filmmakers’ credit, the 1984 segment is designed with the original films various shades of dark blue (the early future sequence also brings back the purple lasers and with a hint of synth in the music).  Perhaps in future films, they’ll learn how from the independent first two films’ limitations.  Midway, our heroes jump forward to 2017 for the new, new Judgment Day, courtesy of an app spelt “Genisys” for no reason.  Also appearing is the latest incarnation of John Connor, as played by Jason Clarke, swapping one rebooted post-apocalyptic world ruled by apes for one ruled my machines.  JK Simmons bumbles alongside as a cop with a conspiracy theory and then disappears for the rest of the film.  Much in the same way that Star Trek (2009) and its follow-up …Into Darkness (2013) changed everything but had something of the spirit of the ‘80s film, there is fun to be had here – the series had resorted to parody in Rise Of The Machines – and at last we can perhaps not have to witness any more attempts to assassinate John Connor.  And, as with Thor: The Dark World (2013), director Alan Taylor gets to work with a largely thankless role for a former Doctor Who (in this case, the curiously credited “Matthew Smith”).

Film: Mad Max - Fury Road (2015)

A franchise reboot (or extension) that follows 30 years on from a series of post-apocalyptic films that started with an ill-behaved, nasty little revenge movie (but with some room for emotional investment) with a climax that explained how Max became Mad before we got two self-contained Hollywood-ised action adventures (the PG-13-rated Beyond The Thunderdome recalling Indiana Jones's Temple Of Doom and coming out the most family-friendly, despite a cheeky F-bomb) in which Max seemed the most sane whereas humanity had descended into chaos.  Here, it's slightly less well-behaved than Beyond The Thunderdome and we're back in R-rated territory and, even if adolescent in tone, it's more in line with The Road Warrior and is also the first installment since the original to bring up the subject of Max's state of mind (thanks to voices in his head and quickly-cut flashbacks).  Essentially a 90-minute film stretched out to two hours, (perhaps in part owing to some interminable chasing), it exchanges the minimal locations of the previous sequels for the open road as Max (Tom Hardy) teams up with "Imperiotor Furiosa" (Charlize Theron channeling Sigourney Weaver as Ripley) to protect a group of "babes" (including a surprisingly quite good Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) in an exodus to the promised land.   There is almost nothing for any newcomers unfamiliar with the other three films to have missed and, as entertainment, it might just scrape by as a night-in for teenage boys.

Film: Unfriended (2014)

Despite not being released at Halloween, here we have what might be the next franchise to fill in the gap left by Paranormal Activity and Saw, which is perhaps appropriate given that the story kind-of has a bit of both.  Less of a "found footage" horror but more a "live feed" teen slasher (and with the original title Cybernatural it could usher in a new subgenre), the cinematic experience resembling that of a big screen projection of someone's Mac - perhaps a theatrical live performance  - with our protagonist being the only occupier of the stage while all her co-stars Skype in their performances - might be a nifty idea.

Opening with what may or may not be an homage to The Exorcist (1973) - our protagonist "Blaire" mimics a demonic voice and has a crucifix on her wall - and soon developing into what comes across as the most inventive Saw sequel in years in which someone operating under the username Billie227 (recalling Jigsaw's puppet, Billy) informs our set of young people (with their own guilty secrets) that they want to play a game and - for at least some of it - leaves it to the characters to form their own destiny.  As well as possible supernatural occurrences, household appliances get put to particularly nasty usage.  Jigsaw operating from beyond the grave via Skype would be a fun idea but in this instance, the apparent troll may or may not be the ghost of Laura Barns, whose suicide the year before was caught on camera after a prior video uploaded to YouTube made her an object of public degradation.  What one can do on a computer screen gets fairly maxed out - Skype, Facebook, Spotify, YouTube and Instagram.  Tumblr and Twitter are absent and YouTube seems an odd place to display an apparent sex tape (perhaps any popular adult site would have garnered a more restrictive rating).  The most questionable moment is when a black-and-white YouTube video of Laura Barns holding up cards to the camera evokes a real life case.  The film stays on the computer screen for almost the entire film and, barring the odd ominous hum to let the audience know when its getting suspenseful, any music used is diegetic.  Expect quite a few songs to have "Unfriended sent me here"-type comments on their YouTube page.

Most of the characters aren't particularly emotionally investing but the pulse-raising suspense will be good for the heart in the safe space of a cinema.  Alternatively, it might be suitable to watch on full-screen on a home computer in the dark.  By yourself.

TV: 'Thunderbirds Are Go': "Ring Of Fire"

 

 

In an era in which popular children's programmes from the last century are now being recreated for the digital age courtesy of CGI - Noddy, Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends, and soon The Wombles - Thunderbirds Are Go is the latest reboot of a cult Science Fiction franchise to have been revived and in the process potentially leaving a bad taste in the mouths of certain sections of the originals' fans.  Whovians and Trekkies can complain that the Doctor Who continuation and JJ Abrams' Star Trek rewrite is too fast paced and the Star Wars prequels might well have reduced the apparently sacred SF saga to a "jumped-up fireworks display of a toy advert".  These claims can be made against this latest do-over.  Arriving ten years after Gerry Anderson's own CGI remake of Captain Scarlet was shafted by ITV scheduling and put in Saturday morning's Ministry Of Mayhem (which, as one forum user at the time said, would be like the BBC putting Doctor Who in Dick n' Dom inda Bungalow), this Thunderbirds has been given near the same attention given Who's return in 2005 but denied to Scarlet.

The highest praise that Gerry Anderson's indestructible 1965-1966 original could possibly received came when Lew Grade interrupted a screening of the half-hour pilot Trapped In The Sky and declared "Gerry, this isn't a television series! This is a feature film!" and subsequently, the serial running time was bumped up to fifty minutes.  The absolute worst thing that can be said about Thunderbirds Are Go is that it wouldn't look out of place on Ministry Of Mayhem.  It's next episode has also been scheduled for 8am on a Saturday.  Rather than resembling a feature film and being plotted with something that might resemble a story (besides a partial remake of the original's Lord Parker's 'Oliday), this shows' editing suggested that some snorting of sugary substances and injecting of Red Bull had been taking place behind the scenes, tailoring the programme for kids that apparently can't sit still.  Things happen very, very fast and you don't remember nor indeed really care most of the time what was just said (a lot of it is technobabble now).  Besides the use of the iconic march in what passes for a title sequence (they might as well have used the Busted song instead), the score is less Barry Gray and more Murray Gold, except that Gold's work at least has its fans.  The model work barely registers and in some cases resembles both a model railway (insert tabloidy "more Island of Sodor than Tracy Island" gag here though the actual island was okay-ish) and a Playmobil set.  The CGI Thunderbird 2 appears - ironically - light-weight.  Gone also from the narrative is, somewhat depressingly, Jeff Tracy, thanks to an apparent act of the Hood (seemingly now fused with his Thunderbird 6 doppleganger, the Black Phantom) but Peter Dyneley's voice-over countdown is brought back from beyond the grave for both the titles and the launch sequences.  All of them.  Never would any fan have thought that one day they'd be asking Jeff Tracy to STFU.  Plus, Thunderbirds 1 and 2's launch sequences are shown twice in this double-length episode.

That is not to say that there isn't any innovation or vague interest.  The tele-video screens with which the characters used to communicate are now replaced by holograms (the date is now firmly stated out loud as being in 2060) and John Tracy now floats around the orbital Thunderbird 5 looking at a great big holographic globe rather than stand around waiting for the tape reels to start recording.  A couple of elements lifted from the ill-fated 2004 live-action movie (please Hollywood, it's not too late for a cinematic reboot) are FAB1 taking off into the air (originally it only happened in a dream sequence) and the subject being brought up of Tin Tin's (now Kayo's) family tie to arch villain the Hood who, Capaldian eyebrows aside, is now not the least bit scary and is now more clearly known to International Rescue than he had been previously.  The idea of "Kayo's" [mother?] coming in to save her with a small army also raises some interest, as do the references to "Global Defence" and the connections the Tracys have with it and the "World Council".  In the end, "Kayo" is awarded her own "Thunderbird S", the "S" standing for "shadow".  Why couldn't it have stood for "six"? 

The potential "Kayo subplot" might bring this series some merit but what it really needs is the Anderson touch.  There is no sense of authorship here and thankfully, the work of the next generation in the form of Jamie Anderson and his efforts show there might be hope for future yet.  Early on in the episode there is an amusing Stingray joke where John muses that he going to miss his favourite show.  One sympathises.